Walmart is the Spawn of the Devil!

The Devil! The Devil I tell ya! Walmart has been the bane of my existence for a long time now. I can’t just “swing by” Walmart. I have to lurk. I have to browse. I am like a woman in a clothing store in Walmart. A simple task of getting dog food ruins my day!

Here’s the breakdown. You see, I recently moved out to the sticks. A small town in Oklahoma that is about 30 miles from the next small town. Now my small town doesn’t happen to have a Walmart. In the city, I could just run on down a mile away to the nearest Walmart and purchase my goods. Now I have to use 1/2 a tank of gas and drive to a different area code to get dog food.

Boomer and Jake are picky little bitches. They will only eat a certain kind of food. Now it isn’t expensive stuff but they don’t sell it anywhere in Eufaula. Sooooooo, I have to drive 30 miles to Walmart in McAlester.

I jump in the car a couple of days ago, on my day off I might add, to “swing by” Walmart. I get there and enter the large, spacious treasure trove of consumer goodness. But alas, it is not goodness! It is the Devil’s work pulling me in. 2 hours later

I leave Walmart after spending $282.34! I got good deals. There were bargains. What the hell do I have to be whining about?

Well.. I start on my return journey to the casa. I get home about 30 minutes later and begin to unload my car. Bag after bag of my recent tidbit purchases. But wait! What have I done??!?!?

I FORGOT THE GOD DAMN DOG FOOD.

It was the Devil! I swear! He made me do it! Damn you Walmart, damn you straight to hell!

Beware of the Drive Through Speakers!

Ok.. I am going to hell. I did something very, very mean tonight and it really wasn’t my fault. I ran on down to Walmart. When I say “ran on down” I really mean I drove 35 miles. (Still not used to this country livin’ where you have to drive 90 miles to get anywhere.) I needed to get some dog food as Jake and Boomer were out and they were tired of eating only Ol’Roy dog treats.

So it is about dinner time and I decided to take a trip on over to Wendy’s. You see, being from Oklahoma City, I had the great pleasure of having access to the best hamburger EVER. The #1 with extra cheese from Johnnie’s Charcoal Broiler! It is seriously heaven on a bun. Seeing as how there isn’t one out here in the sticks I had to find a surrogate. The Baconator from Wendy’s comes close!

I pull up to the drive through and order my dinner of 8 bacon strips on top of a 1/2 pound of beef and LOTS of melted cheese, large fries, and a soda. I could feel my arteries cringe and my ass grow just from ordering it. A quiet, high pitched voice comes from the speaker and reads back my order. Since it was correct I replied with a polite, “Yes’ Ma’am! Thank you!” and drive up to the next window.

Here is why I am going to hell…. When I get to the window I hear the voice again repeat the price to me. However, when I look up to hand over the cash I burst out in laughter. I mean.. deep, deep belly laugh for the “Ma’am” standing before me is actually a dude. This had to be a guy. His name tag read “Pat” and he,.. she,.. um.. it had a stache’ the size of Sam Elliot’s in Tombstone.

Why the laughter you ask? Well.. it’s name was Pat so that in itself was worth a laugh. But Pat’s name tag was sitting on top of the biggest pair of tits I have ever seen. Pat was not fat so it wasn’t man boobs. Pat was a skinning white kid with a huge mustache and even bigger tits. I couldn’t help myself. I burst out in the loudest laugh I have had in a long while. I honestly think I pee’d a little. I felt bad as I handed over my money. I really did but I could not help myself nor could I make myself stop laughing.

Pat was either the luckiest guy alive (come on, he has his own tits to play with!) or the ugliest woman I have ever seen.

Moral of the story: Beware of the drive through speaker! You never know WHO the hell you’re talking to!

Breast Cancer Month! Be Aware!

Some of you might ask what the hell would I care about Breast Cancer. For one.. I am a male. I like breasts! On a more serious note, someone very close to me, me madre, is a survivor. There is also someone else that I love very much that is keeping an eye on a suspicious lil’ guy named “O’Dell” (inside joke.. don’t ask) that could turn out to be cancer.

Breast Cancer is a killer and I for one don’t want to lose any of my loved ones. That is why I have Gone Pink for October. So with that, please check out a few of these sites, learn, and donate!

BreastCancer.org - Your Lifeline to the Best Medical Information About Breast Cancer.
Susan G Komen Foundation - World’s largest and most progressive grassroots network of breast cancer survivors and activists.
Breast Cancer Home Page - National Cancer Institute

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